Letting them go

I updated my website earlier today.

There was a tough moment of choosing to remove certain paintings.

I felt attached to them.

The muted, darker tonal palette. Constantly looking for the light.

The very atmospheric and emotional character of them.

I found myself in them.

I painted a lot of women. I painted rainy days. The atmosphere that enveloped me.

The paintings had something of a moment. Somewhere else. Some other time.

Not here. I did not paint the colour I was seeing outside. I did not paint the landscape I was seeing outside. I painted what was within.

I painted with cold wax ‘cause it was making my oil paint dry faster. The paint resisted my brush. I had to wrestle with it. I loved the imperfection it created.

The restless part in me could push and scrape against the canvas,

The darker part could find rest in the darker tones of my painting.

I found solace in all that those women were expressing. I understood I could change myself. I understand now what I was feeling then.  

There were recurring moments of doubt, fear, hope and longing until I made the step.

I still have those inside me.

But they’re taking a step back now. They allowed me to see a different path.

And this is why I want to keep the archive of this work.

It showed me how I got here.

Today I can look forward, I can face outward.

I want to listen to people and help them move through their fear and doubt.

Find their own beauty. Find themselves.

I mainly paint portraits nowadays.

I want to catch the individual light of people. Their story.

I will keep on painting my own internal world.

Cause it’s what guides me on my path.

And I know what I paint now won’t be what I paint then.

That’s the only thing I know for sure.

I don’t know what I will paint.